Fitness magazine covers are worse than used car salesmen. Worse than the weatherman. Maybe even worse than Miracle Whip.

I’m sure someone gives it their best shot, but when I read them, I’m lead to believe Fitness Einstein stopped by and figured everything out.

“This issue will change everything! Easy fat loss and huge muscles in 5 days?!”

Worthwhile research would’ve popped up weeks ago, with everyone looking like Channing Tatum 5 days later, but curiosity gets the best of me.

I open it, spend 5 minutes locating the damn article, and find the “ground-breaking method” smushed into the corner of a page…

My world shatter-eth.

This happens always, no matter the headline, so I devised a theory to explain the cover-content disconnect.

Monaco’s Theory of Random Assembly

First, the people who create the magazine cover, and those who write the pages inside, work in different countries and have never seen or spoken to each other. Ever.

The cover department knows they need 10 attention-grabbing headlines.

The pages department knows they need 10 generic fitness and health articles.

They complete the tasks, and send their work to an evil magazine overlord who puts articles on the left side of his desk and headlines on the right.

Slowly, he assigns headlines to articles. Sometimes it’s a lucky month where a headline and article both have the same number in them. Every time that happens, he eats a Twinkie.

Eventually, he’s left with 4 headlines completely different from the remaining articles.

He sees the headline “How to Build Mega Muscles” and a recipe calling for “1 pound of mussels”. SCORE. He pops another Twinkie.

Its getting hard now, but before reading anything in depth– a most desperate measure– his evil kitty named “Dog” jumps onto the desk and matches up the rest for him.

He sends the magazine off for printing with the golden rule being to never reference page numbers on which cover articles can be found.

Leaning back in his chair, he strokes his kitty, murmuring “Good doggy” between mouthfuls of Twinkie.

_______________

If you nodded your head even once, it’s all the evidence I need.

To get the fitness world back on track, I’m creating a translation; a cover that interprets sensationalism and cuts through half-truths.

Results are below. “Wo-Mon’s Health” represents my first stab at a figuring out what women’s fitness magazines are really trying to tell you.

“Mon’s Health” is now available will be available later today, so clicky-clicky  stay tuned if this one doesn’t match your equipment.

The goal is for fitness magazines to emulate my lead, but after reading through the finished product…. they might take a hit in sales.