Today’s my birthday. Twenty-six. It sounds incredibly old. I know it’s not but it sounds old and I definitely don’t feel that old.
I have a few guesses as to why. First, I have a baby face. If it wasn’t for my greying hair, I could probably still get kid-priced hair cuts.
Second, the top half of my body is stuck 50% through puberty.
I have no hair on my arms. No hair on my chest. I do have one hair on my back, but that lonely soul is put out of its misery when it gets long enough. My arm pits are the only exception, like pitiful oases in a desert of skin….
I’m not sure where I am going with this so let’s move on.
All you really need to know is that my quarter century of life has been lovely and that I am still waiting for my growth spurt.
- Kindergarten – Sported a rat-tail and steps at the forfeiture of friends.
- 2nd Grade – Teacher asked my class to name famous women. I didn’t know why this woman was famous but I knew she was, so I offered it up… Lorena Bobbitt.
- 7th Grade – Girls. Also, girls.
- 9th Grade – Traveled to Europe for over three weeks: England, France, Switzerland, Italy, Vatican City, Austria, Germany. Knowledge gleaned: France stinks, Austria and Switzerland are gorgeous, no one likes Americans except for Americans, I love gelato.
- 12th Grade – Girl. Specifically, Pre-Wife-Girl. She was the cheerleader, I was the triangle player in the percussion band.
- College Freshman – I think I’ll be a Mechanical Engineer. 30% on Chemistry test. Okay, maybe not. How about English? “There will be weekly 5 page essays”. Math it is.
- College Senior – Proposed to and married Pre-Wife-Girl. Missed huge midterm to go on Honeymoon. Worth it. Given ultimatum from professor: get 100% on final or you don’t graduate. Oh yeah, Dr. Moohamdohoshnevisan?
- Graduated – Assumed people would throw money at me and my fancy college degree. Spent 6 months in that delusion.
- Last Year – Post-Pre-Wife-Girl gives birth to our beautiful baby girl. Daddy diagnosed with permanent tunnel vision for his two girls.
- This Year – Love of writing reignites, manifesting itself into a bloggy.
- Today – No work, an Ubermonster in one hand, jelly donut in the other and so much sushi for dinner that I pee mercury.