Go Shawty, It’s Your Birthday

Today’s my birthday. Twenty-six. It sounds incredibly old. I know it’s not but it sounds old and I definitely don’t feel that old.

I have a few guesses as to why. First, I have a baby face. If it wasn’t for my greying hair, I could probably still get kid-priced hair cuts.

Second, the top half of my body is stuck 50% through puberty.

Normal cycle of male puberty

I have no hair on my arms. No hair on my chest. I do have one hair on my back, but that lonely soul is put out of its misery when it gets long enough. My arm pits are the only exception, like pitiful oases in a desert of skin….

I’m not sure where I am going with this so let’s move on.

All you really need to know is that my quarter century of life has been lovely and that I am still waiting for my growth spurt.

Peter Monaco in Kindergarten with Steps and a rat tail

Hello ladies…

  • Kindergarten – Sported a rat-tail and steps at the forfeiture of friends.
  • 2nd Grade – Teacher asked my class to name famous women. I didn’t know why this woman was famous but I knew she was, so I offered it up… Lorena Bobbitt.
  • 7th Grade – Girls. Also, girls.
  • 9th Grade – Traveled to Europe for over three weeks: England, France, Switzerland, Italy, Vatican City, Austria, Germany. Knowledge gleaned: France stinks, Austria and Switzerland are gorgeous, no one likes Americans except for Americans, I love gelato.
  • 12th Grade – Girl. Specifically, Pre-Wife-Girl. She was the cheerleader, I was the triangle player in the percussion band.
  • College Freshman – I think I’ll be a Mechanical Engineer. 30% on Chemistry test. Okay, maybe not. How about English? “There will be weekly 5 page essays”. Math it is.
  • College Senior – Proposed to and married Pre-Wife-Girl. Missed huge midterm to go on Honeymoon. Worth it. Given ultimatum from professor: get 100% on final or you don’t graduate. Oh yeah, Dr. Moohamdohoshnevisan?
  • Graduated – Assumed people would throw money at me and my fancy college degree. Spent 6 months in that delusion.
  • Last Year – Post-Pre-Wife-Girl gives birth to our beautiful baby girl. Daddy diagnosed with permanent tunnel vision for his two girls.
  • This Year – Love of writing reignites, manifesting itself into a bloggy.
  • Today – No work, an Ubermonster in one hand, jelly donut in the other and so much sushi for dinner that I pee mercury.

Life is good.

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21 Responses to Go Shawty, It’s Your Birthday

  1. Sara no "H" says:

    I also did not like France and I also realized that only Americans like Americans! Happy Birthday enjoy Looking young. My husband hasn’t been asked for ID since he was 16 and now he’s 29. He is old lol.

  2. Happy Birthday! Love the drawing!!

  3. so according to this drawing of yours you are half squid.. right? and happy birthday.

  4. I fixated on the no one like Americans thing and feel it appropriate to obnoxiously point out that everybody loves Canadians, nee ner nee ner nee ner! Of course, I’m still on Canadian soil so I can be obnoxious. The moment I leave the country I have to be ridiculously polite so that everyone will keep liking us.

    Happy Birthday you spring chicken.

    • Peter Monaco says:

      I think I will pretend to be Canadian on my next foreign adventure. According to South Park, lots of aboots, ehs and farting right?
      And I don’t know how you knew about my chicken legs as I didn’t even draw them, but keep it on the down low.

  5. Kiddy says:

    Happy Birthday! And also: I share your looking-too-young-for-own-good-problem.. Since I’m a girl, I can always take it as a compliment when asked for an ID, but when the bus driver asks if I want an adult or a child ticket (basically asking if I’ve turned 15 or not), I do get a little bit bummed out… On a side note, I keep reading “looking-to-good-for-own-good-problem” at the beginning of this comment… I wouldn’t really mind that problem.

  6. sagescenery says:

    Great post!! Happy Birthday!! The key is to love all your Birthdays…even the ones you have when you get to be my age!! Ha!

    Love your “rat-tail!” My son had one from Kindergarten “til last year (senior year in college!) when he was in a play, and had to cut it off for his craft!

    We called it simply “his tail.” In 5th grade or so, some rude kid called it a rat-tail, and he came home upset…wanting to cut it off! I said that’s fine, but not enough of a good reason to cut it off!! If YOU want it cut off, fine!!

    I love that about my 22 year old…not intimidated by others!! Still doesn’t want o be called an adult yet…maybe you don’t want to either!!

    It’s okay!!

  7. Oh, okay, if you’re too young for your own good on your birthday, then I’m going to sing you (imagine musical “Happy Birthday” track in background) my 9-year-old nephew’s favorite version of the birthday song. It’s ridiculous, and extremely offensive (but don’t be offended–you can pass it on to someone else). Here goes: Happy Birthday to you, you live in a shoe, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too! Sorry for the infantile content, I magically and temporarily become nine again myself when around my nephew, and we’re celebrating a family birthday this coming weekend. Please enjoy every aspect of your holiday, eat as many jelly donuts as your nearest and dearest will allow you, and keep the bright sun of your personality shining (I say these things so that you’ll know that I think you’re a lot a fun, look nothing at all like a monkey–even as a stick figure–and probably smell like some masculine version of a rose!). Enjoy! As Mae West said, “You only live once, but if you do it wrong, that’s enough.” Just do it right, okay?

  8. grannyK says:

    Happy Birthday!!! If you think 26 feels old, wait until you are my age (55 in a couple of weeks). My joints are feeling the age, but my brain is still stuck somewhere in childhood. And NOT my second one as you might assume. I never grew up…hence I work with kids LOL. Have a wonderful day!!

  9. dlaiden says:

    Happy birthday Peter! I never feel any different on mine, I just spend a year learning to filling in a new number on documents, and just as I get used to that I age up again. But no birthday is wasted when one has donuts. 😉

  10. JenniferVaughn says:

    Happy Birthday!! Twenty-six is pretty awesome, trust me. As for the body hair… my husband groomed his before we got married and I had no idea what I was really marrying. Not nice. At least you’re honest about what you’ve got!

  11. HAPPY THIS-IS-THE-DAY-YOU-RUINED-YOUR-MOTHER’S-BODY-AND-SHE’LL-TOTALLY-MILK-IT-FOR-ALL-ITS-WORTH-DAY! 🙂
    Way to go, getting the Cheerleader in the end! ;D Its a real fairytale. 🙂 Its not often I find another ‘1986er…We’re a surprisingly small group. Congrats on making it to ’24’ summers! (lets stop there, ok? Personally Im stopping at my 28th birthday and will be celebrating that number until Im going to have difficulties explaining my kids having kids) 😛

  12. tersiaburger says:

    Happy birthday. It scares me that you think 26 is old!! I am going to lie down and prepare for death now………………..hell no! I forgot that I am skydiving on my 60th.

  13. Happy Birthday – I’ll send you some of my Italian Gorilla Hair.

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