Today, like many other Americans, I am being paid to avoid work, which is somehow different from a normal work day.
Supposedly, we are celebrating the achievements of hard work.
Well, it’s not my work.
Don’t get me wrong. I work, sometimes even hard. But it’s not worthy of Labor Cake.
Part of me does wish that my work meant something. I see pictures of men dangling from skeletons of sky scrapers, people who built the foundation of America. Labor Day was inspired by these people.
I have a fridge full of soda and bowls of candy. Air conditioning caresses my face all day.
I sit in a rolly chair because dammit, if I have to move, the last thing I want to do is get up.
I do not labor.
The highlights of my economic contributions aren’t any more inspiring…
- Folding pizza boxes for a penny a box with my brother
One day we folded 800 boxes and received $8. It’s pretty hard to make a 9 year old think something is pointless, but that’s one way.
- Selling Christmas trees at a local nursery
“Let go” because I forgot to ask some hoochie if they wanted the bottom of their tree cut off. And that was fine, because it coincided nicely with hating people.
- Filing papers
Take a gander at why I left this career path…
- Facilities crew at a college stadium
Earned the undeserved nickname “Turkey”. Scrounged through garbage for unopened packages of candy. Not sure if it’s obvious at this point, but I love candy.
Birthplace of my donut obsession.
- Online tutor
Microsoft paint is great for blog posts. It is terrible as a medium for teaching math. However, I was still dang good at it, which led to….
- Real life tutor
Besides tutoring and carpentry, arguably the only meaningful ones in the bunch, my jobs have had the lasting impact of Febreze in a port-a-potty.
Even more disturbing, as both a tutor and a carpenter, I never had Labor Day off. Draw your own conclusions, but I’ve already used sophisticated maths to model and trend to the present day…
- Data Analyst
Still not contributing to society