And Peter spake all these words, saying,

I am Peter, thy stalked, which have brought thee out of the land of Barf, and into the fold of Jelly.

Thou Shalt Not Slap My Back…

Whilst thou intentions are sweet, an offering of congratulations, the sting of thy hand upon my flesh threatens death to you and your posterity. Slap not and perish not.

 

Thou Shalt Leave a Message When Thou Callest Upon Me…

And then there was light. The light speaketh to me of a missed call, yet no voice beckons to hark unto their words. Dost thou mock me? And nor shall thy message contain only the words “Hey Peter, it’s Me. Call Me. Bye”. Thou left no revelation not revealed unto me by marvels of technology. Rather, thou didst leave an annoyance, swatted like a fly from my presence.

Thou Shalt Not Utter Whilst Watching a Movie…

Mine anger knows no bounds when subjected to the presence of sinners who, in their ignorance, delighteth in quoting actors mere moments before the actor sayest the line. Cease your utterances, else mine fist anoint your face.

Thou Shalt Not Explain Something as “SO FUNNY”…

Thou were witness unto much happiness and laughter. However, harken to me. Preceding thy story with “THOU SHALT LAUGH SO HARD” revealeth unto me that I shall indeed not laugh, only suffer, thy every assurance of joy like poison from thy lips.

Thou Shalt Not Stare…

Mine eyes may briefly connect with thine. Blessed art thou. But praise be to the man who refrains from gaping further at my personage. Thou art admonished elsewhere to covet not thy neighbor, nor thy neighbor’s ass, despite its lush curvature. For it is mine, my own, my preciass.

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Do not fear, for I am a merciful blogger. If thou hast committed any greivance, thou need only offer up Rockstars and jelly donuts and cookies of sugar, which are pleasing unto my soul.

And there was much rejoicing.