Things to Say as a Jerk For a Day…

Cookie Lady: Oh, did you know we have a cookie card? Buy 12 cookies, get 1 free!
Jerk-me: That would have been nice to know about 1 month and 37 cookies ago.


Pick Up Game Basketball Opponent: Foul!! Pretty sure you got me on the arm there, ha!
Jerk-me:  Okay. First, touching isn’t a foul; this is not mexican soccer or a junior high dance. Secondly, the reason why the ball isn’t going into the hoop is because you suck. No fouling necessary. Also, did you know that we are a bunch of white guys playing basketball in a church? So pass the ball. Shooting half court shots doesn’t make you Jimmer. I hate you.

Ref calling a foul in a basketball game


Co-Worker: That meeting was EPIC!
Jerk-me: No…no it wasn’t.


After almost hitting a man in the gym parking lot with my car
Pre-Jerk-me: Sorry about that! Almost got you there!
Jackass: That would not have been good for you.
Jerk-me: You do realize you were in the middle of the road, talking, and basically walked into my car? You are the type of person who gets hit by a train.


High School Acquaintance: Man, you have a lot of gray hair now.
Jerk-me: Guess what they’re from? Trying to think of ways to get out of crappy conversations like this one.


After waiting at the deli counter for 5 minutes
Pre-Jerk-Me: Um… are you guys open?
Deli Counter Guy: Yeah, we opened at 8 o’clock.
long pause
Deli Counter Guy: Did you need help with something?
Jerk-me: Do you think I enjoy watching you restock meat?


A illustration of a pregnant belly
How are people still getting this wrong?

Lady Customer: Every time I see you, you get bigger and bigger!
Jerk-Wife: That’s because I’m pregnant. What’s your excuse?

Same Effing Lady Customer: Wow, how big is your baby!?
Jerk-Wife: **judo jab to the eyes followed by a ponch punch**




Random Observer: Are you sure you don’t have twins in there?
Jerk-Wife: Are you kidding me? Is that even a question? Do you want to die?


So, lets hear it. What are some conversations that you’d like another crack at?

15 thoughts on “Things to Say as a Jerk For a Day…

  1. Nick says:

    I work at a store and get to have ridiculous conversations all day long.

    Customer: Are you open on Christmas?
    Me: No, sorry we’re closed on Christmas.
    Customer: You’re closed? So I can’t buy anything?
    Me: Click…

    Great post!!

  2. sagescenery says:

    I taught Home Economics for 26 years…and middle school kids would ask…

    “Where are the ice cubes?”

    To which I’d say, “In the freezer, honey!”

    To which I wanted to say, “If they’re not in the freezer, they’re NOT called ice cubes! Duh!”

    Also, I got asked one too many times, “Where should I put the dirty dish towels/dish cloths?”

    Instead of saying, “Washing machine!” I would have liked to say, “Here put those disgusting wet globs of cloth right here on my lap!”

    Oh, my…that felt good! I recommend a jerk day periodically!! Ha!!

    Great post!

  3. Leslyn T. Tungol says:

    A telephone conversation with a financial advisor. It’s a little long…

    Me: Good Afternoon, this is Leslyn calling from Company X, may I please speak with Advisor X?
    Advisor X: Speaking. What’s the problem now?
    Me: Oh uh, we received a cheque from Company Y totalling to approximately $X to invest into the client’s Product X contract however, we’re unable to proceed due to the product’s hard capped status (closed to new purchases). I’m calling to discuss alternate investment instructions.
    Advisor X: *long sigh* (Pissed off tone) You people have caused more problems for me than you do anything else. That money wasn’t suppose to go to you. I submitted instructions to Company Y to cancel the transfer.
    Me: I’m sorry, Advisor X, I’m not quite understanding how we are at fault for this transaction seeing as how we only received the cheque for investment.
    Advisor X: (Super snarky) Well I’m trying to tell you I submitted written instructions to cancel the transfer to both Company X and Company Y.
    Me: Again, I’m sorry but I’m uncertain as to what you expected to have Company X do with those instructions as the source account is held at Company Y. We have no access to it.
    Advisor X: Ok, you know what, there’s no point debating this. The point is, there’s a cheque there and you can’t invest it.
    Me: (Lost all will to maintain a professional tone at this point). Sure.
    Advisor X: I’m going to get a hold of the client to ask them what they want to do and I’ll let you know. (A lot nicer now) Thank you for the call. I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.
    Me: Great. You have my contact information. If I don’t hear from you within 48 hours, I will be in touch.
    Advisor X: Alright, thank you.
    Me: Have a nice day, Advisor X. *hangs up, eye twitches*

  4. caloniedoesart says:

    (I actually did work at a place called Green’s.)
    Me (via phone): Hello, thank you for calling Green’s.
    Caller: Is this Green’s?
    Pre-jerk me: Um, yeah, this is Green’s.
    Jerk me: No, I’m just saying that this is Green’s for fun.
    Alternative jerk me: No, this is a donut shop. We sell green donuts. Of COURSE this is Green’s, you ninny! I pre-said what you post-asked!

    1. petermonaco says:

      I think you might appreciate my stupidity here… a “prank” call of sorts I occasionally have to make at work to verify a business’s phone number:

      Answering Employee: Hi, how can I help you?
      Me: Is this Walgreen’s?
      Answering Employee: Yes, this is Walgreens…?
      Stupid-me: Oh, uh…wrong number!

      I bet they were confused for the next 10 minutes or so. My bad…

  5. jcmax says:

    When I was younger, our telephone number was very very similar to that of a local opticians phone number but with the last two digits reversed. A few times a week we’d get people (clearly in need of an eye test) phoning our house to make eye test appointments. Usually we’d tell them they had the wrong number…except for my younger brother, who’d take down all their details and book them in for an appointment!

  6. Michael Jagdeo says:

    One of my friends told me that he started riding a bike in an attempt to lose weight. He went onto say that he hadn’t lost any weight yet.

    I replied, ‘You can’t just glide…you have to pedal.’

  7. DrFrood says:

    Being a jerk example: I will not comment on your post, nor make any reference to whatever it is you were trying to say, nor even give any indication, whatsoever (I might add), that I understood whatever it was you were trying to say.

    No instead: Mexican soccer? You want to see people falling over on a FOOTBALL pitch and pretending like they’ve been seriously hurt, don’t bother with the Mexicans, come to Europe.

    Mexicans know nothing of diving.

    They do, but it’s like the difference between Michael Jordan during the first Threepeat and English people playing basketball – recognisably the same game but but at the same time really not.

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