Cookie Lady: Oh, did you know we have a cookie card? Buy 12 cookies, get 1 free!
Jerk-me: That would have been nice to know about 1 month and 37 cookies ago.
Pick Up Game Basketball Opponent: Foul!! Pretty sure you got me on the arm there, ha!
Jerk-me: Okay. First, touching isn’t a foul; this is not mexican soccer or a junior high dance. Secondly, the reason why the ball isn’t going into the hoop is because you suck. No fouling necessary. Also, did you know that we are a bunch of white guys playing basketball in a church? So pass the ball. Shooting half court shots doesn’t make you Jimmer. I hate you.
Co-Worker: That meeting was EPIC!
Jerk-me: No…no it wasn’t.
After almost hitting a man in the gym parking lot with my car
Pre-Jerk-me: Sorry about that! Almost got you there!
Jackass: That would not have been good for you.
Jerk-me: You do realize you were in the middle of the road, talking, and basically walked into my car? You are the type of person who gets hit by a train.
High School Acquaintance: Man, you have a lot of gray hair now.
Jerk-me: Guess what they’re from? Trying to think of ways to get out of crappy conversations like this one.
After waiting at the deli counter for 5 minutes
Pre-Jerk-Me: Um… are you guys open?
Deli Counter Guy: Yeah, we opened at 8 o’clock.
Deli Counter Guy: Did you need help with something?
Jerk-me: Do you think I enjoy watching you restock meat?
HONORABLE MENTIONS FROM A POST-PREGNANT WIFE
Lady Customer: Every time I see you, you get bigger and bigger!
Jerk-Wife: That’s because I’m pregnant. What’s your excuse?
Same Effing Lady Customer: Wow, how big is your baby!?
Jerk-Wife: **judo jab to the eyes followed by a ponch punch**
Random Observer: Are you sure you don’t have twins in there?
Jerk-Wife: Are you kidding me? Is that even a question? Do you want to die?
So, lets hear it. What are some conversations that you’d like another crack at?